I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
