Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
