Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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