Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
