...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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