just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize