whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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