Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
