Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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