Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
