no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
