i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize