my vag is so smooth its legendary
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
