What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
