I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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