I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Randomize
