I got her a Nickelback box set.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
