i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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