I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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