And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
