i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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