When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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