Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
