My sheets look like a crime scene.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
