The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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