I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i now understand why vodka
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
