i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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