Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
