Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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