i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
