he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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