I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
