my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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