she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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