pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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