I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
