Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
