I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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