It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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