there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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