I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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