Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
