I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
