im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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