Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
