eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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