I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You are the jesus of drinking
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
All the doctor said was why
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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