There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
