it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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