The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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