No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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