Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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