I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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