Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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