I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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