I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
