I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
