i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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