if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish I only lived at night.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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